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Sometimes the worst part about making a decision is the three hours it takes between decision and execution.
Recently I decided to leave a part time job that I had been working for seven years. I was feeling burnt out and I needed a change to move forward with my life. This all sounds very generic but I think that's part of the appeal. Everyone, at some point, feels this way about their lives. Yet somehow, no matter what, any person you ask for advice from tells you the exact same thing" "It's your life, and you are the only one with the power to change it."
No shit, Sherlock.
I have been battling this feeling of being tied down and stuck in my life for a while now. I had been yo-yoing between the same few jobs in the same two towns since college, and for awhile I had been totally content with that. However, about six months ago, I realized that something desperately needed to change. I started small, I cut back on hours, tried to go to the gym more to see if I was just sad or low on endorphins. Apparently I was not. I tried talking to friends and family and they said that nasty aforementioned phrase quoted above, and that just made me more frustrated and angry. So, like any well adjusted adult, I pushed my feelings down.
This went on for a while, clearly. I would cry, randomly apply to jobs, binge eat junk food, and all that good stuff, in place of changing anything in my life. This was good because I was helping a close friend plan her wedding, in which I was the maid of honor.
The wedding was July 28.
Suddenly, my "I only have to make it to..." date had come and gone. That may sound strange since it wasn't my wedding, BUT it had become a large part of my life considering I live with the bride and groom. Yet now, I suddenly had all this time to think about my life, and it terrified me.
I began to feel like I was going nowhere and accomplishing nothing. I began to feel like a disappointment to myself and those that I care about. I started to think that maybe I'm not worth it. Maybe I'm not good enough to get what I actually want out of life. I don't know what I want but I know that being sad about my life is not it. So I began to make changes... quietly... in my head.
Then about a week ago, an old friend came to see me. She is so fucking cool. I immediately felt inadequate and quite frankly, I felt boring around her. So after everyone went to bed that night, I cried. Not uncommon, but I didn't feel better when I was done. It wasn't just a release of emotion that I needed; it was something more. So I made a change.
That change took place today, and it took me all day to actually get the courage to do it. I quit that soul sucking job. And now here I am, a little more free, a little more ready to take on the world. I know that it won't all happen at once, and that I have a lot of work to do to get where I want to be, once I figure out where that is. But, that's okay; now I just have to try and enjoy the trip there.
Wish me luck.