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It’s been two months since I’ve been off work. I quit my job, leaving the company with the pandering boss and floundering culture.
Read my posts about that here:
The days between now and then have had some interesting emotions. Mostly elation and contentment. These emotions come from a part of me that knows I had done everything I could to give my opportunity at that company its best shot. I didn’t walk away from something in frustration, blaming it on something out of my control.
Contentment comes from taking care of myself and my home, chopping wood, so to speak. I’ve really relished the freedom of schedule to read, write, walk, draw, exercise, yoga, work in the garden, work on a business plan. Nap if the mood strikes. I think I’m also content knowing that I can feel, in a deeper part of me, that I’m moving in a healthier direction for my future self.
I’ve been doing some planning and manifesting for the future, but currently I am not earning any income. Oddly, I feel fairly relaxed about it… today... most days.
However, there have been some other days where I’ve felt guilty, useless and selfish. I texted a friend one day, feeling sorry for myself. He called right away and offered support. I’ve really tried to explore where these emotions are coming from as they arise. I find this helps me understand them and honour their validity. I’ve really appreciated the time to get to know myself better. Not many adults allow themselves such opportunities.
They should. As adults, we have had experiences that we can pull from and we know our likes and dislikes and what we want to stand for. Exploring an emotion like guilt helps you filter through past experiences to see if there is validity in why you’re feeling guilty or if it’s just a useless thought pattern your ego has adopted. Something that your 12-year-old self perceived that you can now see as an errant interpretation.
Some of my most intense feelings of guilt arise when I think of my husband. He's basically working a job and a half as well as completing his Master’s. I grew up in a family with two hard-working parents and three siblings. I also played sports. Contributing was something I learned early and I’ve always wanted to pull my weight. Through this process, I’m learning to contribute in different ways. I’m doing things at our condo that have been on the “to do” list for ages, for example.
Some days I can see my husband is caught up in his reality, functioning at 100 percent capacity with his work and school to do lists and worrying about money. I try to remain present for him, and myself, not letting the negative self-talk take over. Knowing that we are working on something that will benefit our future and that is where a lot of my time is going. I am there for him, too, and look forward to the days when he and I are functioning at the same pace, or at least trying to :)
I’m also trusting that taking the time to really explore an idea, in thought, helps you have a better understanding of its possibilities and the best way to implement, or even if you should implement. I’ve probably erred, in the past, by not giving thoughts the time they deserve to bobble around in my head. I think of the times where I’ve left one career, pondering my options, but likely not giving it the time it deserves. Only to end up leaving another company/position/job when it’s not fulfilling my needs or not in alignment with my ultimate goal. I want this time to be different, so I’m taking my time.