Plans for the Future

A couple of months ago, I had just graduated high school, and with high hopes for the future, marched right out of that hall and into the pouring rain. A slightly unfortunate turn of events for my graduation, but no matter. I didn’t know that by now, that rain would basically represent my plans for the future.

When people talk of what to do after high school, most people would say that they would move on to colleges and universities. Others would move straight on to work and earn money to live their lives. Some, stay listless, not knowing just exactly what to do. You’d think that with the amount of preparation high school teachers, counselors, and social youth workers give you, you’d know everything about what you see as you future.

I thought I had that. That assurance that the course that I picked at the college I had picked months ago. And now a couple of days before my start of the year, I am not so sure anymore. Is this career that I want going to allow me to live my best life? Is this career choice the right choice for me? My mother sat me down just a few days ago, just to ask me this question. Now while she was basically lecturing me, I kept wondering, “If you’re so concerned about my future, why didn’t you talk about this, oh I don’t know, maybe a couple months earlier?? You know, before I picked the course???” I know she was concerned for my future, but didn’t she think I had this exact train of thought before already?

I am not as smart as that one girl in my math class that consistently kept her 99.0 mark. I am not as talented as that one guy who all four years took every single one of the arts courses. Heck, I couldn’t even keep up my 80.0 average with my English, because my writing skills were terrible. I am so ridiculously average that I only stood out when I was on stage for our high school musical and play, acting out a role that was laid out for me. The course that I picked for college was one that I chose because I’m so fantastically talented in it, that I sometimes knew more than the teacher. I chose it because I knew I could be great in it. I chose it because it made me happy.

And then my mother took me aside to talk. Not even a week left before the start of my course, she pulls me down to talk about what is essentially my delusions. She debunked everything that I wanted to work towards. Wanting my own company, or even wanting to be self-employed. I don’t want to work in a big company. I hate working with other people I don’t know well or at all. I am an introvert, and staying indoors with the internet as my companion is much more preferable to me than going outside where there are so many risks, so many dangers, and so many ways for things to go completely wrong. Yet she thinks I’m like her. She is an extrovert. She loves talking to random people on the streets and has so many connections that my friends think she’s a government agent.

I am not her. I have never been nor will I ever be like her. I am my own person. What works for her may not work for me. Her life in a company is perfect for her. It’s just not for me.

But her words still struck a chord deep within me. What did I want to happen? Some miracle for me to create a company from scratch? Wish on a wishing star? I became apprehensive on approaching my desired career path.

I didn’t know what I want for the future now. I didn’t know what’s next. Heck, I didn’t even know what’s now. Then a memory sparked in my mind. I thought about this girl I gave some advice to on social media.

She was younger than me, yet with the way she described her situation, her distress seemed so similar to mine. Despite my introvertness, my experience as a camp counselor kicked my brain into gear and I went a little crazy with my advice to her. It went on for several messages since I kept going over the word limit. My advice was:

“To take a step back, and see the bigger picture. To not focus solely on the small details. Because as soon as you do, they swirl together incomprehensibly until you don’t even know what the final product is.”

Not exactly the same wording, but the general idea is there.

My hopes in following my own advice led to the choice of withdrawing from my course, and of course the college itself, and working full-time in a restaurant so that I can clear my head a little. It won’t be for too long, hopefully just a year, then I'll see about reapplying to different colleges and universities again. During this year, I’ll need to re-evaluate my skills, polish up the better ones and develop more as I go through the months.

After remembering that advice that I gave to that girl, I realize that not one person is the same. They can be similar, but are still different. The choice that I made is not a wrong choice. For now, I see it as the best choice for myself.

My plans for the future are slightly blurry at the moment. They’re not exactly the choices most people would make for their future, but they’re the choice that I made for my own.

There’s always a rainbow after the rain.