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My Real Resume

"I don't care what it takes... just get it done!"

By Kelly JacksonPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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WORK EXPERIENCE

XXXXXX Corporation

Position: Senior Executive Assistant to the President, Office Manager

Scheduled and maintained President’s calendar, even though he blew me off and put things on his calendar without telling me… thus creating many clusterfucks that appeared to be completely my fault.

Attended to personal assistance which included, but was not limited to:

1. Picked up wife’s stilettos at shoe shop after heel repair (Jimmy Choos).

2. Fed the cat while President and family were away for three months / twice daily, and of course, cleaned out the litter box.

3. Ordered Anna Peretti necklace with matching bracelet from Tiffany’s as gift for wife on Valentine’s Day, with all credit and mention of good taste going to President. It was my fucking idea, but he did pay for it, so he felt deserving of praise, respect and wifely sexual favors in thanks.

4. Ordered a new pair of glasses for President every three to four weeks at $450 per pair due to his forgetfulness, causing hundreds of calls to all manner of Losts ‘n Founds from airlines to hotels to taxis to restaurants…you get the idea.

5. I could go on and on and on and on and on….

Coordinated local, national, and international travel for President, who had issues with decision-making processes. Changed Airlines and reservations regularly, seat locations, extra legroom/upgrades to 1st class/then back to coach, desire to sit on a certain side of the aircraft but not the exit row (coward), etc.

Managed hundreds of changes to rental-car size/color/amenities, hotel room views/mini bar stock, unwanted towel fragrance, pile thickness of complimentary terrycloth robe. The bath mat had to have a rubber underside for non-slippage out of the shower… now this one I get, really.

Created expense reports, in which the freaking President submitted parking chits for $1.03. Cheap, cheap, cheap…in addition, of course, to the $1,789.00 stand-up desk for his home. He has one at the office as well, in front of which he has stood maybe four times in two years. I think he even mentioned ‘bone spurs.’

Result: A mutually-agreed-upon exit went into place after I accused one of the Senior VP’s of broadcasting a sexually-offensive remark about a female colleague within full earshot of four other women in our office. He stays.. I go… it’s still a man’s world.

XXXXX XXXXXXX Foundation

Position: Senior Executive Assistant to the CFO

Originally hired to “enhance” the caliber of mid-level employees and add “sophistication to the operation.” And, frankly most foundations could really use that.

Immediately suggested that I replace the 30-year-old drapes in the conference room due to holes, tears and stains resembling the morning after a frat party in an off-campus house. This was the room where very high-powered executives gathered to make fairly major decisions, but the shafts of sunlight would come through the holes in the drapes, illuminating the conference table in a pattern that resembled a sniper’s bullet holes through the curtains. Done…du’uh.

Noted that my desk area was the size of an airplane bathroom, and set in a hallway so that I had to scoot up my chair if anyone wanted by. I’m not kidding. I was given a foundation-issued laptop/keyboard. Every few days a tiny roach or four would rise up through the keys of the keyboard as I was typing. I’m not kidding about this either.

The CFO told me that I was not ever allowed to leave the office for an errand, but only for medical reasons, and that I must return with a signed doctor’s note explaining my visit. I asked him if he was kidding… that I used to be required to do this in elementary school, but now past my mid-fifties, it was a slap-in-the-face insult. He giggled and said that they really should change that policy.

Result: A non-agreed upon exit went into place five months after my first day when I resigned (with no notice), chalking this one up to… just an episode, a nightmarish blip on my otherwise stellar employment history.

XXXXXXX Network (Tech Start-up) What fun!

Position: Executive Assistant to the CEO and COO, Office Manager, Receptionist, Travel Coordinator, Social Media Maven

Scheduled, then regularly made excuses for the CEO’s absence for calls, meetings, events and office attendance. I still don’t know where he was (?)

Created and/or padded extravagant expense reports for CEO.

Trusted with highly confidential information. Organized CEO’s entire office, inclusive of massive piles of paper. What an idiot. Did he not know that I had to read the documents in order to file them by subject matter in alphabetical order? The stack of loan company invitations, promising thousands of ‘free’ dollars was an eye-opening clue, while he was sending me to the electric company to pay an outstanding bill before they shut off our electricity.

Required to go out for semi-regular cocktails with the CEO’s wife, because ‘she needs to get out.’

Coordinated corporate events such as scheduling full spa day for the head programmer, because he was about to quit. He disliked the CEO almost as much as I did.

Picked up ADHD adolescent male child from school when asked, and stopping for ice cream on the way to his home. I had no prior experience with an ADHD adolescent male child at three o’clock in the afternoon… zombie time, apparently.

Asked to lie to potential venture capitalists whenever questions arose as to CEO’s background and present ‘style’ of living. High-on-the-proverbial-hog would have been my answer were I smart enough to have been honest.

Result: Another NAUE (non-agreed upon exit) took place directly after a staff meeting with the entire company when, after my contribution regarding social media numbers, someone asked the CEO if he had heard my presentation. His exact reply was, “Oh, yeah…it was just titillating,” to which my exact reply was, “Fuck you.” As the COO was gasping for air at my retort, I rose, excused myself, packed all of my belongings and walked out with an enormous amount of satisfaction. Bye Felicia!

Overall Summary: Hire me at your own risk, or just don’t be a dick!

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About the Creator

Kelly Jackson

I'm a baby senior and I am here to serve as a warning to all of you young people. I tell stories about the craziness of life, and how easy it is to see things from an hysterically skewed point of view. Stay with me here. You'll laugh!!

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