My Brutally Honest CV/Resume

To Whom It May Concern,

Work

I'm an intelligent employee with continuous brain farts. Give me a new project or a task, explain what I'm supposed to do and watch me stare at you with foggy eyes, my mouth slightly open and a demeanor full of "huuuh?" End up overwhelmingly confused two to three days after, as I deliver what you asked for. I will take fierce pride in my work, be it conquering the markets by a product I hold dear or mucking a horse stall to perfection. I respect my colleagues and give second chances with ease. I have a hard time controlling face expressions when disagreeing. I may burst into wild laughter in the middle of a teleconference and I may not be able to make it stop. Most of my jokes are not suitable for an open office set up. I give credit to others for their work and never miss an opportunity to spare compliments or positive feedback. Be dishonest, treat others unfairly, show disrespect towards the janitor/cleaning lady or try and manipulate me, I will walk out the door.

Personality

I constantly assume people think about me way more than they do in reality. I have a strong (most likely imaginary) persuasion that I was placed on this planet to impact other people's life in a positive way. I don't want to help one person, I want to help them all. I am fierce to protect and defend my loved ones and I go wildly cuckoo if one of them is hurt. I'd rather feel desperate and weak myself than to see my spouse in pain. Seeing one of my kids suffer or not being able to tell what's wrong with them (none of my kids speak out loud) will drive me completely bonkers. Judging words or looks towards my loved ones is the fastest way to end up on my shit list.

Previous Employers

Call them and you’ll hear them call me narcissistic, slightly dim or an odd bird. Half of them will say that I don’t talk much, half will say that I talk way too much. If needed I am willing to come up with a minimum of one good thing to say about every place that I’ve worked at. Some places two. I seriously wonder why employers are always asked for recommendations and not the other way around. I would kill for a chance to pick ex-employee brains before starting a new job.

Salary

Will work for food. Grain bags, hay bales, and supplements should always be delivered straight to the barn instead of our home address.

Recommendations

Please contact my mom for personal and professional recommendations. She is the one who has had her hands full for 30+ years because of me. If that's not working together I don't know what is.

Please contact me for more information. I am always looking for new challenges and people to annoy.