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Flight attendants deal with so much trouble by having to put up with their passengers' annoying questions and strange requests. It truly is a thankless job, managing and helping the human cargo lodged into their sardine-can sized seats.
They put up with your crap. They put up with your stupid questions. When one takes into account all the weird and bizarre things flight attendants inevitably hear every voyage across the clouds, there come to mind a few annoying questions that must drive them absolutely wild--and not in the good way.
- Miss? Can you give me the in-flight meal that doesn't take like a rat's decayed carcass draped in tartar sauce?
- Can you tell the jerk ahead of me to wash his f***ing pits for once? I can smell his sweat fermenting under his arms, for the love of all that is holy.
- But what do you want to be when you get a real job?
- Are you smiling at me right now because you think I'm sexy? Because I've always wanted to join the Mile-High Club...
- Can you tell me the secret code to search for porn on the inflight movie?
- Where is the USB Port on this computer thing? I want to play my porn on this in-flight movie.
- More whiskey, please. Just...just give me, like, seven of those little bottles.
- Can you go check on my luggage? I'm afraid that some idiot put it on the wrong plane.
- I have crippling OCD. Can you just walk down the aisle in the exact same way every time you pass by?
- Can you warm my food up? It's cold, frigid, and hard to swallow... like my ex-wife.
- The guy next to me fell asleep on me, and is drooling down my neck. Can you tell him to move?
- So are you stewardess or a flight attendant?
- I need new headphones! Can you get me good headphones that won't blow out?
- Can you stick around a few minutes? I need to talk about my deep seated traumas.
- Can I move to first class? I know you have a few empty seats there.
- My kid is crying. Can you breast feed her for me?
- Do you know how long it's gonna take?
- I'm feeling serious anxiety. Can you give me a parachute so I can get the hell out of here?
- Why are you upset I'm putting trash on the food tray?
- Can you list all the food items? Like, in detail? Can you do it again?
- Can you give me coffee? (Oh, sure, how would you like it?) In a cup.
- Why are you asking me to move my stuff out of the aisles? I can't fit everything into the carry-on.
- Why do I have to turn off my electronics?
- Why are you getting snippy at me? This is the only time I can clip my toenails.
- Why the hell didn't you give me my first meal choice? The world cannot go on unless I get my first meal.
- How bad is the weather outside? Can you tell me with charts?
- Where can I do yoga on this plane?
- Can you please stop telling me to talk quietly? I can talk as loud as I want!
- Are we really just fleeting specks of dust on the wind in the face of an indifferent, infinite expanse of nothing from which nothing can escape, and, as you travel weightless above this tiny blue sphere, do you ever find yourself questioning the cruel, unquestioning fate that awaits us all?
- Can you get naked?