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Incomplete

On the edge of failure or promise?

I have allowed myself to be defined by success. And I refuse to settle for anything less than being a part of something greater than myself.

I know I'm not the only one who feels this way that there are others who feel the same as I do, that they are stuck. I am struggling to come to terms with my life right now. I thought I had it all planned out, but I find myself obsessing over the idea that I shouldn't be at home but that I should be working. That I did not accomplish anything because I am jobless. That I cannot be successful in my life because I do not have a start in my career, yet. I am in a weird in between of living and striving for more that my goals have changed now, I want to be a successful adult. 

In a way, I am disappointed in myself. I did not expect this process to be easy, I knew it would be difficult. I just didn't expect to wait forever for responses that are often rejections. That's what hurts the most, I get asked by my parents if I found any luck. If I landed any job that will hire me. Often I do not know what to tell them, they have sacrificed so much to allow me to go to school and I feel like I'm letting them down. They paid their hard earned money to watch me stand still. It makes me sad, mad and guilty that I cannot provide for myself. I'm having to swallow my pride and return back home. 

Maybe by this time you a judging me: "This is such a millennial complaint!" That, "Life isn't easy," "This person hasn't lived life yet and doesn't know struggle." Well that may be true but I know I haven't been a person of privilege nor am I lazy. I just like to work and to be a productive part of society. To fend for myself and to be ultimately happy with my life. I do not have the opportunity to wait around for an internship in the spring because I come from a middle class, hispanic family. The type of family that has other siblings looking up to you and your every move. 

I live my days just sitting on the computer applying to jobs every day since September of 2017, to have some sort of hit to a potential job. Each day brings more stress, more anxiety, and more rejection. All I want is the opportunity to shine my skills and make my parents proud once again. 

I've measured my success by being able to find a job, to land the interview and start my life comfortably. But honestly, it seems like forever until I reach that goal. I'm slowly losing my gratitude in life: that I'm healthy, accomplished and a blessed individual. 

Maybe I'm overthinking it, I am only 22 years old. I can't help but stress that for a middle class, hispanic female I have no time to just sit around. I want to live up to the success that I have created in my mind. I don't want to continue to feel incomplete, I just want to be successful again.