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It is 7:40 am, I haven’t gone to sleep yet and I’ve literally been up all night. I don’t know if you can call it depression. But the lack of sleep, no real appetite, and fits of sadness would say otherwise. Some days are okay and some days I don’t bothering getting out of bed unless my cat or dog forces me. I have recently graduated college about five months ago and this is how I am living from day to day. I have an exhibit tonight back at school that I don’t even want to attended because I don’t want to be asked the question.
You know that question that every recent college graduate gets the “Are you working or have you found a job yet?” No I haven’t found a job and yes I’ve been applying. In the last five months alone I’ve been on 16 different interviews and have applied to I know 50 plus positions. My own grandmother told me that she has never been on as many interviews as I have in the last 5 months in her whole life. She says this after trying to give me advice and this made me feel not one once better about my situation. The advice you get after you say that is an array of things you probably already heard, done, or tried. But people still feel that they need to give you advice anyways. Well, maybe you should try internships. Yeah, I have two different internships on my résumé and one I worked for little over a year at. Well have you tried retail jobs, yes I have tried that as well and none of them hired me either. Then they will say a staffing firm, well I tried that too I am already apart of one and have no job to show for it.
Everywhere you go someone is saying something and it is overwhelming. Especially for a person who has had a job every summer since she was 14 years old. She worked mostly all throughout college. I thought the whole point of the damn degree was so I could get a nice entry level position in my field. Isn’t that the whole point of going to college? I thought that was it’s purpose but I guess I am mistaken because in order to get an entry level position in my field along with the degree I need 2 to 3 years of experience! Now in a sane world that doesn’t make since how am I supposed to have that experience in a full time position plus go to school at the same time? Please tell me in what world can I be in two places at once! Because my mother always told me she couldn’t do it. Plus I know good in well scientists haven’t figure that out yet or mastered cloning so I don’t know how that is going to work Mr./Mrs. Hiring Director.
My mother tells me it’s not personal and tries to help but I don’t think that she knows sometimes she isn’t helping. She is very much a keep it moving type of person. When she says you need to “Do Something” it bothers me. So I just try to avoid the conversation with her altogether. Rejection sucks and getting rejected constantly can be taxing on a person. You start to wonder if you are really cutout to do what you set out to do. Maybe you're just not good enough at what you do so you try harder and than you drive yourself crazy with obsessing over it. It’s hard to be a creative in this world. It’s even harder being 22 years old though.
You're at this awkward in between stage and you don’t quite know where to go. In December I will need to start paying my student loans or defer them more and what the interest on them slowing creep up further and further. Sometimes, it feels like I will never pay those things off. They feel like a huge burden that will inhibit me from enjoying my life. But as my eyelids get heavy and my fingers get tired I know that I will eventually need to get some rest and hope that tomorrow will suck a little less and make a decision on whether or not to go see my photographs hung up on a pretty white wall with spotlights borrowing down on them as I will feel if I go tonight.