I would sit there and wonder if anything big was ever going to change in my life? If I was ever going to get what I truly wanted — a great writing gig. Its all I could think about. I was becoming less interested in working hard at my job in order to focus 99% of my attention on writing. I wasn’t and don’t consider myself very good at it but, it makes me feel something powerful and I would be foolish not to follow this feeling.
I’d sit at work, waiting for the kids to show up and jot ideas of stories and non-fiction work I could write. I would read all the freelance and writing advice I could. I would go over my data on my phone all the time because I kept on obsessively looking for writing opportunities that could potentially interest me.
My boss eventually told me I would get more hours at work. New students were arriving in Montreal from China and they needed to learn French in order to pass the immigration test. I thought to myself, “wonderful, more opportunity to have my time wasted by kids NOT showing up to class.” It was mid-November and it was getting cold outside and the Chinese students I was teaching weren’t used to the cold and DID NOT want to go outside, so I can only imagine new immigrants and their undying desire to walk outside in -15 weather. I’d sit there, like a loser, waiting and waiting and waiting… Not wanting to start anything for fear of being interrupted mid-thought and lose a great train of ideas. I’d get so fucking pissed off. I had so many things I wanted to write and so many other projects I wanted to start but there I was, waiting. Again, I’d call my boyfriend and ask “WHY DO I NEED THIS STUPID FUCKING JOB!!!” And again he’d calmly reply with “because you need money babe.” He was right. He was ALWAYS right (doesn’t that piss you off, when someone is ALWAYS right!) So, I’d stop complaining and accepted that my life as going to be like this for a while. I’d pout, like a 5-year-old and sometimes bang my head on the table but, deep down, I knew nothing would change for a little bit.
Now, I’m sitting in class, and you guessed it, I’m waiting for one of my students to [not] show up. This time, however, I came prepared with my computer. I realized that my time is very precious and even though I work a day job it definitely doesn’t mean it’s my passion or that I love what I do, it just means that my passion isn’t paying me enough (or at all right now) to keep the lights on. However, I will be damned if I don’t try to get rid of this 9-5 fuss, working for someone’s vacations and cars. Is this a silly dream of vision to have? Perhaps a bit naive and sometimes I can’t understand why I want to be a freelance writer so bad, it seems like its very hard to break through yet, there’s a little voice inside my head telling me “you better not fucking give up on yourself again Anik!” Yes, this voice is slightly aggressive but hey, it gets me fired up and motivated so I won’t change it.
Thus, from now, I vowed to myself that I would utilize every millisecond of my spare time to get myself ahead of the game and never have to work for another shitty, underpaying and abusive boss again.
If you're like me, please start doing things you enjoy. Life is not, or, SHOULD NOT be about forcing yourself to do things you hate. I’ve been forcing myself to work terrible jobs for terrible people and they just make your miserable. Yes, sometimes we gotta do what we gotta do to make ends meet, trust me, I’m still at that point but what’s the harm in trying to advance yourself and do something you actually love. Something that just doesn’t seem like work!
Live a little.
Stop being miserable and hating life.