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Don't Be a Dick at the Movies

An ill-composed rant

If you've ever gone to a movie theatre, then you are an asshole. I said it and I'm not sorry. I worked at a movie theatre for four years and I encountered the rudest and dimmest people I'd ever met. I don't know what it is about going to the movies that makes everyone lose their wits and common courtesy but it's outrageous.

It starts at the box office. People come up and hit you with a "two please." Two what? Two adults, two teens, two seniors? I don't know. And what movie? I'm not a fucking mind reader. Give me all the details or I'll charge you all as adults. When asked what movie they're seeing, people immediately forget and result to looking up at the marquee overhead. I don't understand how people could forget what they're seeing but it happens consistently.

Then we move along to concession. People wait in line, staring at the menu board. Yet somehow they don't start deciding what they want till they get to the front of the line. Then I'm stuck waiting with my thumb in my ass while you ask every member in your group of 18 what they want. A quick tip, don't ever ask your kids what they want. They will take what you give them. Waiting for you to wrangle all the anklebiters to ask them what kind of pop they want is just wasting everyone's time. They're only going to change their mind by the time you give it to them.

Another brand of stupid people I get are the butter idiots. Too many times when I ask if you would like real butter on your popcorn do I get the reply, "LOL what's fake butter?" And that's when I get to hit them back with the word "margarine" in a smug condescending tone. Although I do live for the look of surprise and shame on their face like a person who's just been slapped in the face with a wet salmon. I also get to see this look when a customer comes up and says they'll get a large pop.

"What kind?" I ask and they say a large, in their own version of the condescending tone. But I throw it right back in their face when I ask what kind again and they realize what an idiot they were being. Insert look of shame.

And then, of course, I get to deal with assholes. Yes, those are the prices. Yes, they are ridiculous. No, I did not make them. Either pay it or leave. Taking it out on me will do nothing. Asking for the manager will do nothing. You're better off just bitching inside your head cause it makes about the same amount of difference.

Following concession when people waddle away with their six large bags of popcorn, three of which they will spill, they make their way to their theatre. But wait. They can't find it. This is where they stop dead in their tracks, turn around and ask which cinema it's in. Well, it is printed on your ticket and there's a big sign above the door with the title of the movie and a giant poster right beside the door. But ya sure, I get that you need help. I may understand in a big theatre that you may not be able to find your cinema even when you know which number it's in but I worked at a very small theatre. Two cinemas, side-by-side. Worst case scenario it's a 50/50 shot.

Once they've gone into the theatre, they no longer annoy me. But this is where the secret brand of asshole comes out. There's your standard asshole that has no problems being an asshole in broad daylight but your secret assholes, they emerge only when it is dark. They are stealthy and work only while they can remain anonymous. Their main moves include playing on their phones, talking during the movie and putting their feet on the back of the chairs. They are also known to throw popcorn and spill drinks. Their finishing move is to leave the whole mess for me to clean up at the end of the film while they sit there because there might, MIGHT be a scene at the end. Just go home! The longer you're here, the less I like you.

To be honest, I don't really like anyone who goes to the movies. For some reason, people feel that they can treat the people who work there like total shit. When I say "enjoy your show," what I really mean is, "I hope you get a popcorn kernel stuck in your teeth and it ruins your entire movie." All I can say is I'm so glad I don't work there anymore because people will always be assholes at the movies.