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Do You Guru? 3 Secrets to Unlock/Reach/Master Etc Etc Etc

I tell you how to be a successful guru at telling people how to be a successful guru.

By john harrisonPublished 5 years ago 5 min read
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EXCLUSIVE OFFER: Only for people that have a social media account (or a pulse).

I swear half my emails/messages start with "your photo/video/profile has been chosen/shortlisted/nominated/picked for blah blah blah"... Or I've become eligible to learn some of your "secrets you've learnt" via some all-enlightening epiphany you had one day.

Let's be clear: No. No I haven't! I wasn't personally picked as being better than all the other people out there, You didn't have scouts looking through all the platforms looking for the new golden child of photography or social media or marketing or whatever you're trying to claim to be the Dalai lama of. You just want me to pay you to feature one of my photos on your account (therefore building up your content and improving the quality of the existing content at no effort to yourself) or pay for a better account with your "organisation" where I will get some token meaningless title and access to webinars I will switch off at most 5 minutes in. But these "gurus" are as exclusive as their offers/special-deal/limited-time prices are (ie not at all).

Anyone that spends any time on any social media platform will have seen these mystical figures offering their wisdom down to potential students craving the benefit of their wisdom. There's a hilarious formula to their approach where they tempt you in with promises of 3 (or 10 if they're really generous) secrets that will help you reach your goals (there are dozens for most things business goals related)—all you need do is sign up for their FREE webinar. So you happily hand over your email address (possible the first time you give them this for their email lists) and await the link to the webinar. Cosying up with an advised cup of coffee (you will need it trust me) the webinar starts off.

"Hi I'm (insert average joe sounding name). You've taken the first steps (hint—you will be needing much more than this to get anywhere) to successfully meeting whatever goal I said I'd help you reach in order to make you listen to me for the next hour (at least). But in order to make sure I keep you here I'll mention some shiny, special prize you get if you stay 'til the end of the webinar. I'll also tell you to get a notepad and pen to write down my amazing secrets (and ensure you don't try to not pay attention)."

By this point you'll be wondering why they decided to record this on a 1990s webcam with sound recorded in a wardrobe but that's just the start of the doubts.

"Now I will spend 20 minutes telling you why I'm amazing at things with no quantifiable evidence or facts to back me up and how I was once like you with a sad, hard life getting nowhere and how I turned into a crazy busy business with one simple revelation and I'll casually drop in the name of a course I've set up to teach you how I did it. Now here are some reviews about me and the course (I'll keep mentioning it by name as much as possible) from people with only one name and a town to identify them because I wouldn't want you to try to actually contact these not made up* people (Not made up people do not actually bear any resemblance to anyone living or dead). Then after your 20 mins of brainwashing I will 'gift' you exactly 10 minutes telling you 3 'secrets' you probably already knew (but thought weren't really as relevant to know as I will suggest) but I will describe them in agonisingly obscure, overly-dramatic terms to drag out the time."

This is the point where you start to think "well I already knew all of that so maybe the thing I was promised at the end will make up for this lack of real information and at least I'll get something out of the experience"... but now the worst is to come.

"So let me now spend at the last 30 minutes telling you all about and why you should join my club/gang/cult with its amazing one time (until the next time) limited time (or always as some people call it) offer and massively reduced joining price of only a couple of hundred dollars or the price of a cup of coffee* a day (*the most expensive coffee with a lot of toppings), a saving of a few thousand dollars. (Because $3000 is a perfectly normal price to pay for a 12 hour course obviously). Somehow I'll manage to magic up some numbers I imagine you should be making to tell you how much you can make doing this and how it'll pay for itself in a really short time but again I'll warn you it's only available for you especially selected people and only for a limited time (there may even be a countdown on the screen now). But as I'm so generous and in an attempt to get your email off you again (in case you gave me a fake one first time round) I'll remind you again if you stay 'til the end of the webinar I will give you an extra gift. So once I have your email for future daily spamming opportunities to remind you you could join my gang/club/cult I will send you a pdf of some stuff vaguely about what we just spoke about but with as many mentions and links to the club/gang/cult joining as possible and how all the information I gave you is just the first step to becoming as great as me."

I'll finish off with some vague warnings like not to miss out on this amazing deal or you'll never get a Facebook like from anyone ever again and your twitter feed will only show tweets from mid-western christian musicians."

And then they're gone and you look down at a notepad empty of any meaningful notes.

The worst thing is when you realise you've spent an hour listening to this on the vague hope they might teach you what you wanted to know. You endured at least 30 minutes of hard sales pitches, 20 minutes of them telling you they're better than you, and then you realise... it was a webinar meant to be telling you how to build up an email client list... and you've just given them yours twice! Damn, they're good!

satire
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About the Creator

john harrison

Media graduate, social media content creator, photographer, videographer, artist. Love gaming, traveling and showcasing the world to everyone. Based in UK but travel the world as much as possible, its too interesting to not explore it all!

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