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Dear Customer...

Please don't.

Dear Customer, I’m sorry, but I don’t wish to smell your shoe. Let it be known that if you tell me that your shoe smells, I will always take your good word for it. I understand that you managed to get the shoes wet whilst walking in the rain, and now sadly one of the shoes has an unpleasant smell. I also understand, that because only one shoe has become foul smelling, and not both, you are now questioning whether there is a fault with the shoes? Let me explain, rain is a damp liquid that often falls from the sky, like magic. The shoes you bought are not made out of bread, but of a fabric material that is not waterproof. Therefore, if you go out wearing the shoes in all the damp rain, there is a high likelihood that they will get wet. This could also contribute to the smelly state we now find you in. Or it could be a foot-related medical issue, to which I can offer no advice, as surprisingly I am not a fully qualified doctor who prefers to sell discount outdoor clothing. Sadly, I cannot offer you any refund on the item at this point, as getting your money back on an item you bought a year ago, with no proof of purchase, because you made half of it smell, is not a thing.

Dear Customer, why have you felt the need to unravel seventeen pairs of the same sock from their cardboard packaging? Perhaps this is the first time you’ve bought socks? Or perhaps this is the first time you’ve noticed you have feet? To which I might understand your confusion as to what normal protocol is when selecting a pair of the many feet-shaped sleeping bags we have on offer. However, socks are not a garment to which you can/should try on, as it is gross. And thus, I cannot deduce your reasoning for the unfolding and examining of seventeen pairs of the same sock, before wildly throwing them into the air like confetti. (This is merely speculation of your actions as I did not see first hand if you indeed threw the socks like confetti. However, when happening upon the scene I don’t see how you could come to any other conclusion.) If please, in the future, try not to repeat this as it is really rather [email protected]!ing annoying. P.S. I did enjoy your many, many questions relating to the socks you bought then returned, and then bought again in a different size.

Dear Customer, please stop asking for my opinion on whether I think this coat will suit your son whom, even though you’ve described to me at great length what he looks like, is still not here because he lives in the Libyan Desert. I really cannot be sure if the coat will be to John’s liking, as I have never met him, and imagination is still not used as an accurate method of determining one’s dimensions. Thus, I can only determine you want me to lie and agree with you. Therefore, I am delighted to announce that John will love his new ski jacket just in time for August. What’s that, you say? He’s never been nor does he ever plan to go skiing, because snow isn’t his thing? Not to worry, he’s sure to love it anyway. If I know John, and I don’t, I know that being able to wear a coat that makes you burst into flames and ultimately have no use for is exactly what he needs.