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I have never been so lost in my entire life!
I literally have everything anyone could ever want. A home. A family. A good source of income. Ultimately, I am still not happy. I feel like I lack purpose. I want to do something that defines me and makes me feel like I’m contributing to the world in a positive way. I know I am perfectly capable of accomplishing anything I set my mind to. I just don’t have a cause. I don’t have a drive. All my dreams of getting married, finishing school, and living by the beach have been fulfilled. I’m just so young and I don’t know where to go next.
I’ve had a few dreams that I still hold onto in the dusty corners of my mind. One of them was to become a famous author writing tales of adventure and magic. When I was a child, all I would do is grab spare notebooks from around the house and dedicate my time to writing. When I got just a little older, I started mixing tales of love into my story and dabbling in heartbreak and mystery. After only two short years of college, I shoved that dream back so deeply into my mind to focus on my studies and write whatever my teachers wanted me to write. I spent hours researching subjects I did not care for just to come out of college with a lousy piece of paper to prove the completion of my years. Not only that, but I have become a machine that can only seem to write about facts. I feel that I can no longer grasp the alluring world of fiction that captivated my younger self. I’m not captivated by a lot of things now. It is as if my attention span has left me.
I suppose my short attention span is why my second dream that I have tried to bury, is acting. With acting, I am free to explore the many minds of zany characters and explore what it is to truly walk a mile in the shoes of someone else. I miss the feeling of the wooden, theater stage vibrating beneath my feet as I walked. I miss the call of my character’s name as I stepped away from my reality into someone else’s. I remember the happy child that enjoyed walking into realm after realm over the years. The grass was truly greener every time I put on a new costume to perform. It was as if when one play ended, another was soon around the corner. Another challenge was already prepared for my friends and me. I suppose that’s what I loved the most about acting, the new challenge that comes with every new script, play, and monologue.
I miss being challenged. College felt too easy. It was only a game of finding facts and piecing them together, like some sick puzzle that had the same boring pieces every time. And if you got the puzzle wrong once, the teacher would just correct you and send you on your way. However, if you tried to be creative and make your own puzzle, you were condemned for it. There was simply no way to win the game of college without conforming to the rules of the individual teachers.
I know I shouldn’t complain so much, and I really shouldn’t blame college for my loss of passion. I have everything I need to survive, but I feel like I lost the keys to truly live somewhere along the lines. I suppose that’s why I’m still writing. I’m trying to figure out where I went wrong and how to fix it. I am determined to find myself again. I don’t want to remain lost forever. I will not resign myself to just useless complaints. I will write, explore, and write some more until I’ve found my passion again.
I know the feelings I’m having now are only temporary. I still have one more dream that I will forever hold onto.
My dream is to find purpose.
I will not give up.