5 Tips for a New Author

We've all been there. That amazing idea has been kicking around in your head for an entire 10 minutes and it's just way too great to not be shared with the entire world. You think — nay, you KNOW — that this concept will surely catapult you into the top echelon of great American novelists, and you are salivating at the chance to conquer the incredibly lucrative (and easy!) world of writing. Here is a list of things you should do before you begin.

1. You should contact literary agents before you even write a single word.

Let me tell you, agents absolutely love this. They are sitting around eagerly waiting for your idea, and your ambition to put the cart before the horse will shine through. This will show you are serious about writing for the moment and committed to the craft for the entire rest of your afternoon.

Most likely, they will immediately front you hundreds of thousands of dollars so you can quit your job to get started. Your idea is just that great and unique that surely someone will give you loads of money to do something you've never tried or went to school for. In fact, it's probably a good idea to create a crowd funding campaign right now so your friends and family don't miss this amazing opportunity to cash in on your inevitable success.

2. Photoshop a book cover and aggressively promote it all over social media.

Again, do this before you write it, or at least while you are finishing the first couple paragraphs. Post, post, post. Tell your friends to like the official Facebook page for your book — every single day. In all honesty, nothing makes us want to read and support and share with our friends your non-existent book more than constant reminders.

Another effective thing to do is to befriend published authors and ask them for trade secrets and their contact lists. Trust me, authors will jump at the chance to use their reputation they have worked hard to build to promote the work that you definitely will do one day maybe.

3. Call out those who aren't supporting you.

You can do this by vaguebooking as a catchall for everyone who hasn't liked your page. But since you have time, you should confront at least a few of them directly.

You can say everything from accusing them of not supporting local artists to jealousy and everything in between. Start with being passive-aggressive, but don't be afraid to escalate and spice it up with lots of curse words and personal attacks. After all, you need to portray your passion about your art that you haven't accomplished yet.

Carry an indignant attitude that portrays your disappointment in your friends. Lecture those who haven't ignored their life to promote the work you are certain you think you will absolutely might do eventually... you know, if you have time and nothing on TV is worth watching.

4. Agents are overrated. Self-publish!

Agents are a bunch of failed writers who are jealous of others' talent. They finagled their way into publishing so they can be bitter and cynical trolls who live under a bridge to deny the real artists' passage to the promised land. But really, who needs them this day and age? There are a ton of resources online who will gladly take your money to publish your book.

By going this route, you will also avoid unnecessary complications like being inconveniently asked to edit or follow basic story building. How dare they even suggest that you should edit or change your artistic expression? Who do they think they are? Who cares about their little inane rules? Rules are meant to be broken, and now no one can stop your creative process of publishing a five-page e-book written in all caps void of punctuation.

5. Realize your book is far too great to be published.

The world isn't ready for your brilliance, and no one will get it because they are all a bunch of brainless sheeple. That's the real reason no one read it. They just want their 500 channels of 24-hour news while they drink 3-liter sodas and eat Wal-Mart premade subs. The human psyche has yet to reach the level of understanding that would enable them to comprehend your genius.

You don't want to suffer your art by selling it on Amazon with all the other white noise. As soon as you place your masterpiece on the internet, you've essentially spit into an ocean of marginal talent. You are far greater than they and destined for fame on levels of which they've only dreamed. Besides, you've already evolved beyond the bourgeois and plebeian book industry to pursue your brand new career in filmmaking. Besides, your novel, for which you suffered to bestow upon the cosmos, and sacrificed all of your blood, sweat and tears into last Thursday would work much better as a Netflix series anyway. But how? Don't fret, in another post I will detail out a plan for you to get in touch with producers who are constantly anticipating new hobbyists to enter their lives as well.